Grownup

If your Facebook page is as clogged as mine is with people constantly endorsing a totally pointless stream of BuzzFeeds, which all take a number at complete random – say 11 – and then use that number of faintly nauseating, staged pictures of pugs to promote girl-power, being twenty-two or cuddling positions, then I can only apologise for what is about to occur. For those of you who have no idea what I’m talking about and are desperately hoping that BuzzFeed turns out to be some sort of bee nourishment in a sachet complete with tiny spoon to feed the bee, you are (first of all, adorable) and also have No Idea how lucky you are! Amongst the completely meaningless BuzzFeeds I have bookmarked, and now retain but the haziest memory of, are ’13 Problems You Often Encounter in Waitrose’, ’24 Disney Comebacks for Every Occasion’ and (and only God knows why) ’27 Times in 2013 Neil Patrick Harris’ Family was Cuter than Yours’. I hang my head in shame.

However, I have been suitably brainwashed and am now going to lay before you *picking arbitrary number out of the air* 6 things that I think make people properly grown-up. Warning: whilst some of these more usually apply to women, to the men in my audience who are in the habit of wearing vibrant shades of lipstick, take heed – until you can do all of these things, in my mind, you are not a proper grown-up.

1. Reading in bed

It may sound like a simple enough task, but somehow what with laptops and tablets and phones and the sheer exhaustion of lifting a book made of paper rather than Kindle, I very rarely allow tired eyelids to close whilst attempting to enjoy one of Tolstoy’s light witticisms. I’m far more likely to doze off during an episode of Fargo (which, by the way, I am utterly baffled by but adore because Martin Freeman – AKA the nation’s favourite puppy – stars as a loveable idiot turned murderer: an unforgettable twist on his usual loveable idiot character) than on page fifty-nine of Orwellian despair. Don’t get me wrong, I love curling up with a great book, but I admire anyone who can sink between the sheets and be so underwhelmed with sleep that they do something I associate with university, work and – most importantly – being awake. This category also covers being able to do the cryptic crossword. And if you can do that in bed, then I doff my hat to you, sir or madam. The highest accolade of grownupdom.

2. Drinking (and enjoying) tea and coffee

There are several strands to this argument, or prongs to this fork. Possibly smooth edges to this coffee stirrer? I like tea. It’s a recent acquisition of mine, but I have finally come around to Douglas Adams’ way of thinking, that tea probably is what life is all about. On earth at least. And I like what a friend of mine refers to as ‘freaky teas’ as well: green, rooibos, jasmine and chai all make the world and my teacup a better, happier place. But ordering them in a café always makes me feel a bit of a fraud, or at the least extremely pretentious. Even though I’ve ordered weird sounding concoctions for a few years now, I respect those who can order ‘a chai latte’ without sounding – and more importantly, feeling – like a six year old buying Chanel: the waitress knows it’s not really for you, that you don’t know what it is and that your mummy gave you the money. The same goes for people who can order a hot chocolate without the cream and marshmallows, leading me to conclude that they actually like hot chocolate and don’t need the awesome, disneyfying, drag queen embellishments.

I do not like coffee. It is vile. Anyone who drinks coffee is therefore sophisticated. Fact.

3. Being proud of your hair

…whatever it does.

4. Folding

Whether it’s napkins, sheets, clothes or maps, being able to fold is a vital skill that I have yet to accomplish with any real level of competence. Anything I attempt to origami into a square of sacred neatness ends up more creased and crumpled than it was to start with. And I’m left puffing, red-faced and angry with feelings of guilt and regret. It is not the way to zen. And especially maps. How do the fold-lines which, I might add, should be your faithful servant, showing how it was folded but fifteen seconds ago, so simply betray all trust? Seriously, the Duke of Edinburgh has a lot to answer to when it comes to my own personal mental health.

5. Wearing lipstick

I have lipstick, but cannot wear it. It’s Kate Moss and I bought it because it says ‘Kate’ on it. Real grown-ups can wear lipstick. They look stylish and chic in lipstick. It adds class and character to a black dress and gives jeans that shimmer of elegance. I look as though I once did unspeakable things to a clown. Or possibly a vampire. Either way, it’s not a good look or boost of confidence when preparing for a serious interview, a sophisticated dinner or all those other times when a non-prostitute face is of the essence. I wouldn’t mind if it was Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, but alas it’s more Ronald McDonald in McDonald’s. I was supposed to look like a sort of warrior princess. Damnit!

6. Knowing about plants

I know this one! It’s grass, isn’t it?

A friend of mine from university once said something that has stuck with me. We were but humble first years, trying to take our first wobbly steps, Bambi-like, into the great unknown and I asked her whether she thought it was possible to know when you become a grown-up. She paused before replying, ‘I think it’s when you can look at any plant and instantly know what species it is. My mum can do that. Can yours?’ Yes, she can. And, although now I wonder whether our collective sample of mothers have proved merely that being grown-up is about being able to bulls**t, I think this remains the loveliest answer.